Excerpt from "The Modern Dads Handbook" (New World Library, 2010) Chapter 6 - Balance and Ritual
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 10:54AM by John Badalament The following excerpt is from my forthcoming book, The Modern Dads Handbook (set for release in early 2010) This story is an epic tale about the distance - literally and spiritually - one dad had to travel before he finally realized what had been right in front of him the entire time. This story will resonate with any dad who has found himself saying 'I really want to spend more time with my kids', or wished he didn't travel so much or promised himself (and others) he would spend more time with his family...
ABOUT THIS EXCERPT
This part of the chapter focuses on one dad’s story. William, 53, is an executive and is married with a 13 year old daughter. The section below contains Williams words, followed by my commentary (‘Getting It Right’)…
Waking Up To What Matters
"I felt like I was stuck and the only thing I knew how to do was traveling and working. So, when the opportunity to go to New Orleans came up, we saw it as the way back to being a family and the way I could stop traveling and work locally. Not only that, but my wife is from Louisiana, so it would bring us closer to extended family as well.
In July, 2005, my wife moved to Atlanta to finish her doctorate and my daughter and I moved to New Orleans. The time for Kaela and I to connect as father and daughter, we decided, would be good for everyone. My wife would join us once a month on the weekend.
Katrina hit a month after we arrived.
After we moved back into New Orleans, there were no services, nowhere to get your haircut, get your clothes cleaned, or get something to eat. Some of the fast-food restaurants started to open up, but they were cash only. Many of the basic things you take for granted everyday, like ATMs or television, just weren't there.
Coming back into that devastated environment and then trying to be a single dad – I considered myself more like a single dad during that time because my wife was in Atlanta for that whole year - was a totally new experience. Making sure that Kaela was prepared for school, and got there each day, as well as handling work of rebuilding the company I worked for was incredibly stressful.
In the evening when Kaela was at home, I was laying a lot of expectations on her – you need to do your homework, make sure you clean your room, etc. - and generally not being sensitive to her state of mind in all of the transition. At one point, she just broke down crying, saying how I unfair I was being; the more she tried to share her feelings and where she was coming from, the more angry I got. Once again this had everything to do with me not taking care of myself and being in that stressful state of being. Katrina just made everything worse.
It finally reached a point where I realized things were not right. My anger became a red flag, even to me. I managed to tone myself down and really force myself to respond in a different way to Kaela.
I also spent a lot of time at church in New Orleans, praying and reading the Bible. I know that helped elevate me to a different level where I was able to start putting everything into perspective.”
'Getting It Right'
Nobody wants to get to the point where illness, divorce, or some other tragedy awakens us to the importance of slowing down. William’s story is as cautionary as it is inspiring. Despite the seductiveness of thinking you will be happy when . . . or things will be better if . . . or I will change after. . . There is no time like the present to slow down and pay attention to what matters most.
As I’m writing this, my wife’s step-father, Jack – better known to our children as ‘gramps’ – is recovering from surgery after being diagnosed with stage two cancer of the appendix only weeks ago; my own step-father, Dave, (AKA Boppa), goes in for heart surgery in next month. Within a month’s time, our family has had to face the prospect – try as we do, to be optimistic – of a world without two of the most important men in our lives. Having the chance to watch these two men’s hearts literally blossom in the presence of our children has been one of the greatest gifts any parent could wish for. But, of course, we all want more.
Like William, both Jack and Dave - Gramps and Boppa – are both warning lights and beacons for millions of dads today. All three men have arrived at the realization of what and who is most important in their lives, and set their priorities accordingly. Yet, each man has also lived many years, for varying reasons and at different life-stages, out of balance. With scales tipped to work not home, head not heart, or silence not expression, many modern dads, myself included, are heedlessly living unbalanced lives. Things need not be so.
William’s story so poignantly captures the simple pleasures any dad can enjoy when we ‘get it right.’ Before his awakening, his daughter complaining about her stomach hurting would undoubtedly been viewed as a distraction or drain on his time. How often do we, like William, forget that our children’s desire for attention – no matter how it’s communicated – is not only an opportunity, but a blessing we are just lucky enough to have?
Some of us fear that giving our children time and attention will somehow divert our eyes from the prize of being a good enough provider; others, like William, are afraid we won’t know how to give our children what they need, and hide behind the mistaken belief we learned growing up that it’s not our job anyway. In other words, it is often out of fear that we tip the scales in the wrong direction. In those moments – like this morning, when my son Jake wrapped his arms around my legs, as I tried to get out the door to get to work – we have to remember that the health of our children, our family and ourselves is hanging in the balance.
END
Reader Comments (3)
Hey Bro, you turned off the comments on the short film in the previous section. I watched it because in addition to raising the teens I'm also helping my sisters care for my mom who's memory is slipping. (Dad's still here but healthier). It's funny how things turn around. When I hear folks saying, you never stop being a parent it rings untrue to my ear. At some point, kids are supposed to care for parents, circle of life and all that. Or as Brother Bob (Marley) said, "Once a man, twice a child."
Haji - thanks for the tip...comments are now turned on (still new to blogging) Yes, the circle of life indeed. Think of how many men out there are caring for a parent - as well as a child - and then think about how rare it is that we associate caretaking with masculinity. The myth is that caretaking (even simply 'caring') is somehow a sign of weakness, of being less manly. The reality is that the caretaking of loved ones is actually central to most men's lives. Caretaking takes a strong will, commitment, physical work, and mental strength...sounds pretty manly to me, eh?
jb
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